So, what now?
It started with subtle comments here and there from Martin. He would say things like, "Is there such a thing as someone who doesn't believe in anything at all?" or "I just don't understand how God has no beginning." Philosophical questions challenging all that we have ever taught him started surfacing every single day. At first, I wondered if it was just an emotional reaction from him. Perhaps he was just trying to hurt me because he knows how deeply I desire to follow God and walk in His ways. There were times that I definitely think his mood was driving the rash and hurtful things he said. It didn't take long for me to realize, though, that he really was digging for deeper philosophical answers to the hard questions that I am not so sure that I've even taken the time to consider.
I am not the deep philosophical thinker that my husband is. I accepted the truth of the gospel the very first time I heard it. I followed with a child-like faith and that child-like faith has remained intact until this very day.
Martin has approached this entire issue with a desire to explore those deep philosophical questions and come up with some concrete answers that will satisfy the intellectual needs that he has.
He has been frustrated to the point of tears over it. We had been having pretty deep conversations about it almost on a daily basis. There was a crazy battle going on inside of him. It was a battle between his intellectual desire for answers and his heart. He would tell me that there is a key to all of it and he just needed to find the key. He has also said that he just wished that God would send him a SHOUTING sign that He is really there. (I've had the opportunity to share with Martin many examples in my own life of God making himself known to me ... and that it never happened in a shouting way ... in my experience it almost always came as more of a whisper)
Rich and I are still stood by our guiding principle to not coerce him. He is a very intelligent boy. Every time he wanted to talk about it, we talked. I prayed for him constantly. Martin had a deep desire to see something concrete that would prove to him that there is a loving God out there somewhere, so my prayers for him were that God would reveal himself to Martin.
So, what did I do with a 10 year old child, who had been home schooled his entire life, that I have poured myself into, taught scriptures every day of his life, prayed for him every day since he was conceived ... when he started to question everything I'd ever taught him?
I REJOICED! I WEEPED! I PRAYED! And I GAVE THANKS that I had a child on my hands who thought so deeply and independently about such important issues. I RESTED in knowing that God had His hand on Martin. I ANTICIPATED the day when Martin would have worked out his salvation and have complete confidence that he is saved ... and he wouldn't have to rely on my memory of him being saved.
I'd much rather he work these things out in a satisfactory way right now as a 10 year old in my home than as a 20 year old living away from me. As hard as this road was to walk at times, I hope that all of my children ask these hard questions, work them out in a way that brings them to a greater knowledge of who God is, a deeper faith, and a stronger desire to follow and be obedient to a loving God.
To be continued...
To be continued...